dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
