Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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