Whatcha textin bout Willis?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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