well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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