I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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