a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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