90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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