How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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