Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
