what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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