I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
