Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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