Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No subtext here. People are naked.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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