I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I FOUND THE LEGS
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
