so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
