Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
