I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
