i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
