Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Randomize
