I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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