nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
