Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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