I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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