I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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