I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Say something about gay babies.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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