her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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