I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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