Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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