I'm so fucking centered right now
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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