I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize