i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
