During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
