Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
