The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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