You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
