o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
