I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
