There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize