All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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