I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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