I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
is it fun? or sober?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
