By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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