my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
