She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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