i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize