I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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