As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
