My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
