I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
