I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
