you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
