we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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