He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
