so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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