apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
