I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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