so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I lost the right to judge tonight
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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