Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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