Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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