ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
