My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
