i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
