is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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