I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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